Constructive Grieving?

Simon Peter said, “I’m going fishing.”“We’ll come, too,” they all said. So they went out in the boat, but they caught nothing all night.
John 21:3

Jesus had been killed and buried.  The Disciples were heartbroken and grieving.  The person they had pinned their hopes on was gone.  They felt lost, depressed and despondent, so they began going through the motions of living.  They went back to fishing, which they could do without having to think about it, because it had been their profession for their entire lives.

I have come in contact with many people who seem to be stuck in the grieving process where they merely go through the motions of living where they don't have to think.  They simply wander through their days with little or no joy, little or no energy, little or not desire to live.  

Please don't get me wrong, grieving is as much a part of life as breathing.  Ecclesiastes 3:4 reminds us that while there is a time to grieve, life doesn't end because there is also a time to laugh. Our lives do NOT end when God calls home one of our loved ones.  Our lives do NOT end because we don't know why.  Our lives do not end, but too many times the living part of our lives ends.  We choose to focus on our grief to the neglect of everyone and everything else.  But God gives us HOPE if we pay attention!  In John 14:3, Jesus tells us, "I will come and get you, so that you will always be with me where I am."

When Jesus says He will come get us, He isn't lying. And when He comes to get us, we will be rejoined with all of those we love!  That is the hope for the future!  So, let's not give up living in the present!  

Life...It Goes On

Trust in the Lord with all your heart;
    do not depend on your own understanding.

Seek his will in all you do,
    and he will show you which path to take.

Proverbs 3:5-6

 

When a tragedy strikes, the question that will ultimately be asked is: "Where Do We Go Now?"  That is a difficult idea to consider because out tendency is to withdraw from everyone and hide from the world.  We hide in dark rooms with curtains drawn.  We hide within ourselves losing ourselves in the routines of existence.  But let's take a look at a few things that help the Grieving, as well as the ones seeking to help:

 

1.  Grieving is a process and processes take time. 

2.  There are no short cuts to grieving.

3.  Understanding that the pain of grief can be intense helps us temper our attempts to "move things along."

4.  Accept that the person who is grieving may have setbacks.

5.  Understand that grieving is NOT wrong.

6.  If you are strong enough, walk the journey with the grieving and listen to them.  "A burden shared is half as heavy, and joy shared is twice as bright."

7.  Try to remember what helped you when you were grieving, and share that.

8.  Pray! Pray! Pray!  Remember that God let His own Son die on our behalf!  God knows better than we do what it feels like to grieve.

9.  Not every silence needs to be filled with words. Sometimes just sitting quietly with someone helps them know now much you care.

10.  Celebrate the baby steps of movement from grieving to living.  Don't go overboard with it though.  Use phrases like "thank you for coming with me to the store" or "Sharing with walk around the park with you made the stroll so much better."

 

Finally, don't give up on the person who is grieving.  Wounds of Grief can be VERY deep.

 

When Grief strikes, and it will, point to the Father who understands and loves without question.

Forever

Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good!
His faithful love endures forever.

Psalm 136:1

 

Yesterday, we talked about God's peace.  We trust God's loving plans which brings us peace.  Because of that, we should Give thanks to God, for He is not only good, but His faithful love is with us FOREVER!

 

I was informed earlier this week of a friend who had died.  My heart ached for his family and his friends, but I also gave God thanks for the honor of being allowed to know him.  I gave God thanks for loving him.  I gave God thanks that, even as the pain of loss was felt so deeply, God still loves and comforts us forever.

 

FOREVER is a mind blowingly long time!  

Bad Things Happen

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted;
    he rescues those whose spirits are crushed.

Psalm 34:18 

On April 16, 2007, a very bad thing happened.  A Senior at Virginia Tech in Blacksburg Virginia went on a rampage and killed 32 students before completing his own suicide.  To say the student body was rocked, would be an understatement.  Even today, there is still a sense of mourning and loss.

As part of the Public Safety Chaplaincy Certification program, in which I am currently enrolled, we spent this past weekend on the Virginia Tech Campus.  We met with some of the First Responders and prayed our way through the building.  When such horrific things happen, there are no words that are helpful as you try to make sense of what has happened.

I've learned that, as a Chaplain, sometimes the best ministry you can provide is to just be there and not fill the silence with pointless words.  One of the first questions I get asked in tragic situations is "Why?  Why did this have to happen?"  And, while I could give a sermon or two on the subject, I don't have the answers and chances are anything I say will fall on deaf ears anyway.

But one thing I have seen over and over, tragic events bring people together.  I have seen families who had been at each other's throats, until a family member died.  Then they came together again as a family.  

Why do we wait for tragedy to come together?

But What Do I DO With It?

You keep track of all my sorrows.
    You have collected all my tears in your bottle.
    You have recorded each one in your book.

~Psalm 56:8

November 17, is a date that has become, and continues to be, one of the most painful of my life.  You see, it was on November 17, 1981 that my conversations with my Grampa ended.  God called him home and my life changed that day.  

To say that I was angry would be such an understatement!  I was angry with him for leaving me.  I was angry with everyone who told me that "it was his time" or "your pain will end."  I was angry at those who piously quoted Scripture to me as if that was supposed to remove the pain!  I was especially angry at God for taking my Grampa from me.

I was angry for YEARS and YEARS!  With every single loss I endured, I grew more angry.  Did I talk with anyone about it? Of course not because "men don't talk about feelings."  So what did I do with all that pain? Just kept stuffing it down and, on the outside, pretended everything was okay.

It wasn't until I was almost 45 years old that I heard something that finally broke through the pain and anger.  I don't remember the speaker's name, but what this wise person said was: "Let's say you have a broken arm with the bone protruding.  It hurts like nothing you have ever experienced.  Are you going to sit there and be angry and upset that it's broken?  Not a good idea, because it will get infected and cause you even more problems.  You could dull the pain with alcohol and self medicate, but does that fix your arm? Nope!  Your BEST course of action is to go to the doctor who can fix your arm.  Setting the arm is going to hurt, no doubt!  And it will take a long time before you can use it again.  And you may not be able to use it the same way you did before.  But over time the pain will subside."

It was at that moment that I realized that God was reaching out to me.  My heart was broken and I had spent all these years being angry that it was broken instead of going to the Great Physician who could help.  

Now, have I recovered?  Not completely, but I'm better than I was.  Does it still hurt? Yes, very much.  And each time the pain comes, I run to the Great Physician and pour it all out to Him.  Am I still angry? I have my moments.

God records our every tear.  God records our every pain.  God loves us so much that when we hurt, so does HE!

"In his kindness God called you to share in his eternal glory by means of Christ Jesus. So after you have suffered a little while, he will restore, support, and strengthen you, and he will place you on a firm foundation." - 1 Peter 5:10

 

If you are hurting, take your broken heart to the Great Physician.  Show Him your pain! Show Him the broken pieces of your heart!  Show Him the flood of tears your soul has shed!  Let Him comfort you! 

What Would You Do?

Five different times the Jewish leaders gave me thirty-nine lashes. Three times I was beaten with rods. Once I was stoned. Three times I was shipwrecked. Once I spent a whole night and a day adrift at sea. I have traveled on many long journeys. I have faced danger from rivers and from robbers. I have faced danger from my own people, the Jews, as well as from the Gentiles. I have faced danger in the cities, in the deserts, and on the seas. And I have faced danger from men who claim to be believers but are not. I have worked hard and long, enduring many sleepless nights. I have been hungry and thirsty and have often gone without food. I have shivered in the cold, without enough clothing to keep me warm.

~2Corinthians 11:24-27

 

 

We hear quite a lot, these days, about Critical Incidents and ways to deal with the after-effects.  What is a Critical Incident?  In a nutshell, a Critical Incident is any event that negatively changes your perception and perspective of life.  A Critical Incident for one person might not be for another person.  But it is whatever incident alters your view of "normal."

 

Look at what the Apostle Paul endured:

     1.  Given 39 lashes on 5 occasions by the Jewish Leaders.  You see, 40 lashes was considered fatal, so they stopped at 39 lashes which chewed up the skin on one's back until is looked like it had been butchered.  And Paul got this treatment FIVE times!!  How would you have handled that?

 

     2.  Three times Paul was beaten with rods.  That is rather like being caned in Hong Kong.

 

     3.  Once the people tried to kill Paul by throwing stones on him.  Not gravel, mind you, but bone crushing stones!

 

     4.  THREE times Paul was shipwrecked and once had to spend an entire day and night hanging on to flotsam to survive.  No life preservers.  No inflatable rafts.  Paul was clinging to whatever bits of the ship that were still floating.  Remember, the Mediterranean Sea does have sharks and they do attack.  And here's Paul bobbing along on his bit of wreckage in the middle of this sea.

 

     5.  He took his own life in his hands every time he traveled anywhere.  During this time, there was no Highway Patrol.  If you traveled, you needed to travel in large groups.  Thieves and robbers didn't think twice about killing you just to take your walking stick or sandals.

 

     6. Paul spent many many nights without sleep because he was working.  You see, Paul had to earn his way through the mission fields.  He was a tentmaker by trade which was very tedious and eye straining work.  But Paul worked so he could share the Gospel.  So he worked more than most of us could imagine.

 

     7.  Paul didn't always make enough to pay for his food and clothing on these journeys, so he went without food and wore his rags when necessary.

 

Do you think Paul's experiences qualify as Critical Incidents?  You bet they do!  How did Paul handle these crises?  He talked about it!!  Yes, he wrote about them in his letters, but he TALKED to God about EVERYTHING!  Did God make his life one of ease and comfort after that?  Nope!  God, instead, used these experiences to strengthen Paul.  You see, crises should bring our focus back to God!  And that is a good thing!

 

But guess when the best time to have conversations with God?  Every single day!  Even the days when life seems easy. Especially when life seems easy, because those are the times where we get comfortable and complacent and think WE are in control.  Hmmmm.....

 

If you have faced Critical Incidents or if you had to face a Critical Incident...what would you do? 

Celebrate Life By Comforting Others!

All praise to God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. God is our merciful Father and the source of all comfort. He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us. For the more we suffer for Christ, the more God will shower us with his comfort through Christ.

~2 Corinthians 1:3-5

 

Have you ever endured a loss that hurt so deeply that you thought you would not ever recover?  On November 17, 1981, my Grampa's time on Earth ended.  I was devastated and miss him every single day.  I still hear his wisdom and his jokes.  But Grampa lived a full, albeit unusual, life.  And I have found comfort in that.

 

During my time in ministry, I have tried to help families who have lost a child.  Some were due to accidents; some were due to miscarriages; some were due to SIDS, but they were all beyond tragic.  Sadly, one piece of "advice" I had the misfortune to hear over and over was "You're still young. You can try again. Just put this out of your mind and move on."  Yes, I heard well-meaning, very sincere people stab the hearts of the mourning families with this counsel.  Remember the saying, "If you can't say something nice, then say nothing"?  

 

It has been truly an honor and privilege to have some of these families as personal friends.  And I was contacted by one of these Moms recently. She wanted to raise awareness of  Child Loss!  She wants others to know that they are not alone in this!  She is wanting to heal by helping others heal.  And THAT is what it means to "Love your neighbor as yourself."

 

You see, and I've said this before and here it comes again, God does not comfort us to make us comfortable!  God comforts us so we can comfort others!

 

If you or someone you know has had such a loss or needs to begin taking the first step toward healing, let me know.  I would like this Mom to be able to make contact.  Sometimes the best comfort is knowing you are not alone!