I Still Struggle!

Even if our hearts condemn us, God is greater than our hearts and knows all things.

1 John 3:20 

 

This is rather difficult.  Last year I was diagnosed with PTSD and have been getting counseling for it.  The more I talked with my counselor, the more I realized that, while some of the scenes and situations I have encountered throughout life contributed to my PTSD, my main struggle was in how I dealt with everything.  And to be honest, this has been a struggle for quite some time.  You see, I feel guilty almost all the time, even if I haven't done anything to warrant being guilty.

 

My struggle is that my heart has been faced with so many situations where I have felt helpless that the helplessness has grown into guilt.  And I don't like feeling guilty all the time! 

 

God reminds us through the prophet Jeremiah that: "The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it?"  What does this mean (I'm still learning this in therapy)?  This means that when we rely strictly on our feelings and emotions, we can be fooled!  Our feelings and emotions are prone to manipulation!  Yet the facts cannot be disputed!  

 

Fact: "God is greater than our hearts and knows all things"  God is faithful to hear our cries and He is always ready to forgive us.  Because of this, we have no need to feel guilty unless we have done something for which we need to seek forgiveness.

What's The Rush?

And he said, “Naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked shall I return. The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord.”

Job 1:21

Believe it or not, I remember being told that computers were going to make like so much easier because we wouldn't have to work so hard and we would have more free time.  And that has turned out to be a lie!  Computers have made work easier and faster, but do we REALLY have more "free time" or do we just rush through life to get to the next task without stopping?  There are those who applaud and reward those who put their nose to the grindstone and work becomes their life while everything else falls by the wayside.

Think about this:  We each are allowed a limited number of sunrises.  We each are allowed a limited number of moments with our loved ones.  We each are allowed a limited number of days to travel this Earth.  So why rush past so many of them?  

Read today's verse again: "I brought nothing into this world and I will take nothing when I leave."  So.....why spend so much time, energy, and effort pursuing what we cannot take with us?  Don't misunderstand me, we are commanded to give our best at work, but we are also commanded to rest and relax as well.  Just food for thought.

My Heart Hurts

Jesus wept.

John 11:35

Every time I attend a funeral or perform a funeral for someone I have known and cared for, it feels as if the pain will never stop.  I remember, as a child, being told that "men don't cry" and I held in the pain and sorrow for YEARS (not a good idea, by the way).  I wondered why it was okay for Jesus to weep, but wrong for me.  It just didn't make sense.

Finally, there came the day when one my best friend from Middle School and High School died....the flood came out along with the avalanche of all those pent up feelings I wasn't supposed to express.  I wish I could say that I felt better afterwards, but I didn't.  I was extremely ticked off that I was expected to hold all that in for so long.  I vowed that very day to do everything possible to appropriately express instead of continually trying to repress.

Has it been completely successful?  Not always.  But it's better.  You see, I found a verse that was an eye-opener for me: "I pour out my heart to Him and tell Him all my troubles" (Psalm 142:2).  And I began writing what was on my heart, the good, the bad, the ugly, the anger, the joy, all of it!

Now.....it's been quite a few years since I experienced the death of my friend, and I've learned a few things as a result but I won't bore you with most of them because they are specific to me.  But here's something I can share:  When we interact with others, we take part of them with us and they take part of us with them.  The closer friends we are, the more we interact and the more we take from each other to incorporate into us (ever noticed that close friends tend to share common traits, speech patterns, gestures, etc.).  Therefore, when one of the friends dies the one left carries on their legacy through their own lives.

We are part of each other!  Like it or not, we are.  So there!  Ya'll are stuck with me. 

I'll Go

Then I heard the Lord’s voice, saying, “Whom can I send? Who will go for us?”So I said, “Here I am. Send me!”
Isaiah 6:8

I have a confession to make....you might want to brace yourself because this will come as quite the shock....I didn't always want to be a Chaplain.  There, I said it!  I apologize if anyone spilled their coffee or were otherwise stunned, but it's true.  Now I knew from age 7 that God wanted me in ministry of some sort, but never thought about Chaplaincy.

I am glad God asked me, through Eric Skidmore, today's verse and even then it took another 2 years to decide.  But think about how many times God asks us, "See that person over there who is hurting? Who can I send to comfort them?"  "Hear that person who has questions? Who can I send to talk with them?"  "See that person who needs a friend? Who can I send to befriend them?"

So when God prompted me with that question, "See that Sheriff's Department?  Who can I send to help care for them?"  I finally got the point and said "I'll go."  And have loved this Department more and more.

If we listen carefully, we will hear God ask for volunteers and He asks us for a reason. WHEN God asks you...."Who can I send?"  What will your answer be?

Life

Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex!
    Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it.
You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion,
    as I was woven together in the dark of the womb.
You saw me before I was born.
    Every day of my life was recorded in your book.
Every moment was laid out
    before a single day had passed.

Psalm 139:14-18 

 

As a Chaplain, there are some tense situations I encounter and split second decisions must be made and answers to be given that are easy to comprehend and truth!  This is by no means easy when you are "under the gun" so to speak.  I'm willing to wager that many of us have, at one time or another, wished that we had not been born.  Yep, I'm guilty.

The more I pondered my wish, the more I began to wonder: 

• "Why would God go to all the trouble of inserting me into this lineage just so I could leave a blank in the line?"  
• "Why would God choose to write down every day of my life in His book if I was just going to be a blank?"
• "Why would God create me in such a way that I am still here, in spite of my past?"
• "Where in Scripture does it say God created life to be thrown away like trash?"
• "Why would God give me the GIFT of life when He didn't have to?"

Believe it or not, God has a purpose for each and every one of us.  We may not know that purpose until we get to Heaven (and by then it won't matter), but it's true!

If you EVER find yourself thinking this world would be better off without you, stop for a moment and THINK!  God created you to be HIS child!  God brought you into this world for His reasons and His purpose which, by the way, is too awesome for words.  God gave you the GIFT of life, it is not to be taken lightly.

Consider that.

 

 

A Trip To Stuff-Mart

Prideful arrogance leads to conflict; those who heed advice are wise.

Proverbs 13:10

 

We are encouraged to take pride in our appearance, in the work we do, in the way we treat ourselves....but at what point does pride become prideful arrogance?

 

I was strolling around Stuff-Mart the other day when I was approached by a person, shabbily dressed and had a bit of a funk going on, asking if I had any change.  I didn't even bother to check, because I usually don't carry cash, so I brushed her off with a brusque "Sorry no" and kept right on with my mission.  As I wandered through Stuff-Mart, I couldn't shake that image.  Am I better than her?  Had I really become so Pridefully Arrogant that I would look on another human being with disdain?  I was so caught up with this God sent interrogation (I began to understand every so slightly how Job felt when God told him to put on his Big Boy Britches because God was going to ask Job a few questions), that I completely forgot what I had gone to Stuff-Mart to purchase in the first place.

 

Finally, I couldn't take it anymore, I ended up getting some food and other supplies.  Then I went back outside and saw this person slowly trudging away.  I caught up and asked if they had a place to stay, and was told "for now" but all the money had been spend on rent and electricity.  I gave the person all that I had purchased and several phone numbers of groups who might be of help.  The tears shed by this person broke my heart all over again.

 

What have we to feel Pridefully Arrogant about?  Are we truly better than any other human being?

I Give Up?

So let’s not get tired of doing what is good. At just the right time we will reap a harvest of blessing if we don’t give up.

Galatians 6:9 

I don't know about anyone else, but there have been times in my life when I was ready to just give up.  I was tired of trying.  I was tired of failing.  I was tired of waiting. I was tired of wondering.  I was TIRED!  I was ready to cash it in and say, "I'M DONE!"

But.....that would mean the Pit Dweller was the one in whom I had chosen to believe because it was he who whispered in my spirit that everything was all just pointless, useless, and worthless, and so was I.  Sadly, I began to believe his lies.

But.....God has a way of reminding us who is truly in control of all things.  When I felt my lowest, He was there in the form of one of the most stubborn friends I ever had, who would NOT let me give up!  

Take another look at today's verse: "Let not get tired of doing what is good..."  How can we say that we love our neighbors as we love ourselves if we are not doing what is good?  How can we say we love God with all our heart, soul, mind and strength if we aren't willing to do what is good?

Then there's the part: "At just the right time we will reap a harvest of blessing if we don’t give up."  Does God say that we will receive a blessing immediately?  Nope!  Does God say that our doing good will be welcomed and well received?  Nope!  Does God say we should only do what is good to those who will appreciate it and reward us?  NOPE!

God tells us that at the right time we WILL reap a harvest of blessing.  An entire harvest of blessing! Not just one or two, but an entire harvest!  And here's the kicker...."IF WE DON'T GIVE UP!"  We must be persistent.  We must be continual (one-and-done doesn't work).  We must be patient!  At JUST THE RIGHT TIME our harvest of blessing with come.